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He sees me and I see him seeing me and we are in new territory.

But then he says, “I kind of wish I hadn’t asked.” It’s all I need to hear to send me into tears. * * * Addiction to porn and masturbation is often grouped under general sex addiction because they all have to do with escape via titillation, pursuit and orgasm, but I’ve always felt more pathetic about my predilections.

It is an opportunity to finally do things differently. I can describe something vanilla: This one where a busty blonde gets banged by her personal trainer. The possibility of revealing the actual truth not only makes me nervous, but also physically sick. ” He turns over on his side and props his head up on his left hand. “Seems like a weird question.” I tuck the sheet into my armpits and scoot my body a little to the left so we’re no longer touching.

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Because I knew that the only way to love him, and be loved by him, was to be myself. ” The man who will become my husband in less than a year asks me this question as he lies naked and vulnerable beside me.I have revealed something so dark, so upsetting, so impacted in shame, and he hasn’t immediately disappeared.He is still here beside me, propped up on his left hand, naked and vulnerable, and so am I.Like a busted dam, I can hardly hold back the rush of descriptors fumbling from my mouth: “Two women in a warehouse. I watch his face the whole time, not pausing when his smile becomes a frown and his eyes squint as if it hurts to look at me.“Afterward, the women exit the warehouse through a back door while the men applaud.” For a long moment after I’ve finished talking, there is silence between us, but there is also a sense of relief on my part.

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